A Stupid Wish
by Fiery Wordess
Summary: What happens when you fall in love with a fantasy character? I fear for my friend... she will endure these consequences. But I feel worse for me, I'm stuck with her.
1. Madly Obsessed Friend

A Stupid Wish

Chapter One:  Madly Obsessed Friend

There she went again.  I couldn't take it anymore.

"Sarah, he doesn't exist, and even if he did, I'm sure he's homosexual."

"Aw, come on Katie!  He is so hot!  I just drool over him!"  She panted with her tongue hanging out to demonstrate her point, for the millionth time that hour.

"Please," I rolled my eyes.  Why couldn't she just obsess with existent men?  No, it had to be Legolas, the elf from some book who suddenly was hot and on screen for the world to ogle over.  Sarah hadn't even read the books.  If she had read the books and listened to the CDs she would _not_ be all fawn-eyed over him.

Sarah suddenly squealed and pointed to her flat screen television eagerly.  "He's there again!"

"Yes, we've established that he is in this scene.  Remember?  We watched this movie twice today already.  Can we _please do something more productive?"_

"Like what?"

"Anything but this."  I meant watching Lord of the Rings and ogling over a character with a wig.

"Okay," I couldn't believe it!  She stopped the video!  "Let's go on the computer!"

"Okay.  Let's see if anyone is on."  I bounced up excited to get away.  Onto her computer we went and as it turned on she pulled out a bookmark and sighed at it.  "What?"  I looked over her shoulder and my question was answered. 

"Legolas is so fine."

"I don't know, I think the orcs are sexier."  

"Ew, Katie.  That's really gross.  I'm glad they don't exist."

"But have you seen their firm rumps?  I mean, elves just don't have that kind of exposure."

"Whatever."  Sarah rolled her eyes.  Then the computer finished starting up.  She eagerly grabbed the mouse and instead of clicking the expected instant messenger button she double-clicked the internet explorer.

"What are you doing?"

"Nothing."  She said unconvincingly.  Before I could object, she typed in Legolas on the search engine and a zillion quadrillion items popped up.  

"No!  No!  I refuse to search for pictures of Legolas!"

"Go raid the refrigerator then."  Sarah waved me off.

"Don't give me that crap.  I didn't come to the middle of nowhere, in other words your house, to eat your food.  I don't trust your mother's baking."  I slumped resigned in my chair to watch her delve into the endless supply of Legolas articles, interviews and pictures.  She liked the fantasy idea more so she never glanced at the actor.  I was going to murder her with the keyboard soon.  

"I wish that I could make mad love to him.  I would give anything for him to love me."

"Careful what you wish for."  I pointed at her.  

"Oh come on, what could happen that's bad with _that_ wish?"

"You'll get pregnant and you'll get aids."

"Fine.  My new wish is that I won't get pregnant with his child unless we really, really want one.  And there'll be no STDs, okay?"

"Still…."  I didn't want to say the next thing that came to mind.  Sarah would get irritable if I kept this game up.  

The house began to shake.

"An earthquake?"  I asked, grabbing the monitor to keep it from crashing to the floor.

"Weird."  Sarah said, running to a lamp before it fell.  Then the electricity went out.  "Great.  Plus, Mom and Dad aren't home to save us with candles, which we aren't allowed to use without them being present."

"Fantastic."  I moaned.  There was a tinkling noise then.  "What was that?"

"I d-…. AHH!  HELP!"  I leaped out of my chair and promptly tripped over hers.  My face was rammed into the rough carpet and I happened to bang my head on the rotating wheels on the bottom of the chair.  I swore violently as my vision went blurry, but perhaps it didn't because I couldn't see anyway.  Sarah screamed again.  I got up and felt my way across the room.

"Shut up, you annoying human."  There was a raspy voice coming from the same place Sarah stood/sat/lay down/hopped around madly (couldn't see her.)

"What… what is it Sarah?"  

"It's a… a… THING!"  

"Thank you for narrowing it down."  

"Fine, it's an ugly thing."

"You know what?  That probably wasn't a good adjective to use on a stranger."  

"She can't even see me in the dark.  I chose this form and I can change it again."  The raspy voice explained.  "I am not here to harm either of you."

"Oh, how reassuring.  You appear as the electricity goes off, the earth shakes and you're Mr. Good Guy."  I rolled my eyes but that hurt the bump on my head.  "Typical."

"I'm the Wish Granter and I heard a wish!"  On "wish" the Wish Granter squeaked with excitement.  It was uncharacteristic for his earlier raspy tone.  His voice had changed all together, though he cleared his throat and tried again.  "I'm here to grant one wish to Sarah."

"Really?"  Sarah's eyes lit up (or so I imagine they would upon such an offer.)

"Wish for the electricity, Sarah."  I insisted.

"That's a dumb wish, Katie.  Why would I waste my wish that way?"

"Because… what are you going to wish anyway?"  Suddenly I dreaded the answer.  

"But she already made the wish… assuming she wants to keep it."  

"Oh!  I do!  I do!  I really, REALLY do!"  She clapped her hands together.

"Dear God."  I rubbed my temples.  The Wish Granter was probably a figment of my imagination.  I had knocked myself into La La Land.  

"I shant mess it up!  I will do well on my first granting!  Yes!  And to give you a familiar face on your journey, I will send Katie with you."

"WHAT?!"  I shouted.  "I mean, where?"

"Middle Earth!"  And there was a snap, flash of light and we were quite gone.


	2. And Things Get Weirder

Chapter Two: And It Gets… Weirder 

BOOM!  There were shocks to my feet as I landed on cold, hard dirt.  I fell over onto my hands (and that's how I know it was cold dirt.)  I stood back up and wiped my hands off on my blue jeans… that were no longer blue jeans.  

"Capri pants?  Why does everything have to be so weird today?  Sarah?"  I looked around.  She was nowhere in sight.  "Great!  Just great!  You make a stupid wish, I'm whisked to another planet, undressed by morons and put in different clothes and now I'M ALONE!"  I couldn't see myself but I knew I was wearing a loose fitting white shirt and a strip of fabric sufficing as a bra.  Was I wearing underwear?  What's your definition of underwear?  My shoes were just brown pieces of leather tied over to look like shoes.  

Decidedly, I would kill Sarah the minute I found her, no questions asked.  My hair wasn't even in a ponytail anymore; instead it was in a braid.  Someone had touched my hair too.  That person would pay in blood.  I mumbled nonsense words under my breath and trudged along the forest.  Too many trees.  Yuck.  I hated everything with a sudden vehemence had never before felt.  

SNAP!  

I whipped around as I heard the snapping (that's what SNAP generally signifies, but anyway) of a twig or something.  

"Sarah?"  I tried to say, but it barely even came out as a squeak.

"Katie?  Thank God it's you!"  It was a very masculine voice.  

"Who are you?!"  

"Oh jeez… I am Sarah, I promise… but… well…."  The bush I was staring at suddenly revealed who it was hiding.  A short, bearded man stepped out. 

"Sarah?!  You're… you're Gimli!"

"I am?!  That's why I have such a thick beard!"

"Am I still Katie?"  I asked, worried.  What if I had turned into Legolas or someone?

"Yes, but your clothing is not your own."  She/he said gruffly.

"That much I'm aware of.  Are you okay?"  

"I think so.  I just… well… I've never been a guy before."

"Me neither."  I tried not to laugh at my ex-best friend.  Perhaps she had been punished enough, being a guy and all.  "I wonder what book we're supposed to be in."

"I wish I had read them."  Sarah sighed.

"If you only had… but you know what this means, don't you?"

"What?"

"Legolas is a bit fruity."

"Oh no!  This… this… NO!  NO, NO, NO!!"  

"I told you Sarah, but did you listen?  No, you are a stupid wench."

"What am I going to do?"  Sarah ran forward and grabbed my shirt, looking up into my face.  I felt suddenly tall.  On an instinct, I puffed my chest out and stood up taller.  "Stop it."  And she slugged me in the stomach.

"OOF!  That was vicious, you stinking dwarf."  I rubbed my tummy gingerly.

"GIMLI!  WHERE ARE YOU LADDIE?  We have yet to get to Rivendell!"

"One of your companions, _Giml_i."  I whispered cruelly.  "Well, if you're still getting to Rivendell maybe Gandalf or Elrond will know what to do."

"First I have to make out with Legolas."  Sarah said fervently.

"Puh-leeze."  I rolled my eyes.  "You're not still on about him, are you?  He's gay!  That's supposed to be a TURN OFF!"

"You've never had a boner before, Katie.  It's a different feeling."

"Yuck, Sarah.  What made you think I wanted to know this?"

"A little friend hiding in my pants wants to say hello."  Sarah giggled in a dwarfy way.

"Gimli?!"  And there was some babble in a foreign language.

"Wow!  I actually understood that!"  Said Sarah in amazement.

"Wow!  I actually didn't!"  

"I'm over here!  But I met a girl who needs a… company or something to travel with to Rivendell."  Sarah shouted.  "Bloodity yud-yud narf kilky shpoolif marky noofy Rivendell!"

"You just made that up."  I hissed.

"No I didn't!"

"Yes huh."

"Nyuh uh."

"Yeah huh."

"Nyuh uh."  The only way to resolve this issue was with maturity:

"Yes huh infinity I win you lose I'm right you're wrong so ha, ha, ha."     

"Damn you shpoolif."  

"What is shpoolif?"

"Girl."

"Ooh, you can't even swear in your body's native tongue."  

"Garchonarfo."  

"And that means?"  Sarah grinned evilly at me.

"It means *censored because it is a very bad word indeed, not good for virgin eyes, no indeed*."

"Sarah, you bad garchonarfo."

"You don't have the right accent."

"Who is this shpoolif, Gimli?"  Ten more dwarves had come into our clearing.

"Her name is..." Sarah looked at me, trying to decide whether to embarrass me or not.  I ground my foot into hers.  My shoes left much lethalness to be desired.  "Dominique Shakira Thayet Alanna."

"But everyone calls me…."

"Claidi-ba-ba."  _What the devil is she doing?!_

"Well, Claidi-ba-ba… it is a pleasure to make your acquaintance.  I am Gimli's father, Glóin."

"Please, Claidi-ba-ba is a name for strangers.  Call me Bob."  SHOOT!  WHY ON THE BLESSED NAME OF BOLONEY DID I SAY THAT?!  BOB?!  Great.  Life sure was going uphill lately.  

"Then Bob, you are also on your way to Rivendell to seek refuge there I suppose?"

"Perhaps."  I shrugged, not knowing how to answer.

"Then let us make haste, for our kingdom is in peril.  You may take a horse."  Glóin waved his hand towards a squat horse that seemed more interested in sniffing other horses rear ends than in making a first impression.  Typical horse behavior.  "He's a bit feisty, but you'll get used to him."  I tried to mount him but I fell off into another horse which immediately reared and trampled a dwarf while running madly around the forest.  The dwarf had shrunk to the size of a peanut and was shaking.  

"Ah, no, it will take a lot of water to bring him back to normal size."  Glóin shook his head.  "We fear rearing horses above all other things and you, oh foolish one, have inflicted the curse of the peanut onto my companion.  You can ride the larger horse and… well… Flagodirt son of Flagosmirt will ride in my pocket.  Perhaps my sweat shall revive him." 

(A/N: I will continue and I want everyone to know that any loopholes that are in the story *muah hahaha* trust me, I know what I'm doing.  Thanks for all the reviews, they're delicious.)


	3. Onto Rivendell

Chapter Three: Onto Rivendell

The larger horse, if anything, was damn near impossible to mount.  The fat horse didn't help either, snickering at me in its evil way.  I was informed by Glóin that he was bred in Rohan where the "finest horses were found."  The fat turd of a horse had been given as a sign of goodwill to Glóin after he farted loudly at dinner.  He was embarrassed and apologized but (to shut him up, I expect) they told him it was nothing and to take a horse as a sign of their friendship.  It was a fat turd horse, probably representing their unhappiness with the fart.

 It took the help of three dwarves to lift me onto the horse; one pushed the other two stood around the horse to keep me from tumbling off.  The fat turd horse bit one on the rump and started wheezing with laughter as he clenched his hands to his bum and ran around cursing.  (He said the bad word, garchonarfo.)  Glóin took a long stick and beat the horse until it shut up.  It still laughed on occasion, driving everyone to the edge.  

Sarah and I rode in the back talking quietly as possible about our… situation.

"It your fault you know."  I said as she started whining about how unlucky she was.  "When you obsess over gay fictional characters it's bound to happen."

"What if… what if Legolas is a girl or something?"

"Then you're just as screwed."  Then I asked, "Do you remember your exact wish?"

"I wished not to get pregnant or STDs but I wanted to make mad love to Legolas."

"Ooh, bad move.  You're stuck with an elf that you're going to make mad love to and if Legolas is a guy… do you know what that kind of 'mad love' is called?"

"That's disgusting.  I don't even want to go there.  Oh dear God, I'm going to barf in a moment!"  She clenched her Gimli hands to her mouth and her eyes bulged.

"You look really weird you know.  I just want you to be aware of this."

"AGH!  I can't take this body!  It's so short!"

"You were always short, Sarah.  Now you're just… well… shorter."

"The worst part is that I think my boobs are bigger now than they were at home."

"WHAT?!  You have man-boobs?"

"Yeah, it's really gross."

"Sweet boloney I feel for you."

"You have no idea…."  She started but I had collapsed into laughter on my horses back.  The fat turd pony eyed me suspiciously before joining in the evil laughter.  The horse I rode turned a bit and bit my nose.

"OW!  You dumb mammal.  I hate you."  The fat turd pony continued laughing in its sadistic way.  My horse bit the pony then.  It whinnied and ran to the head of the procession.  "On second thought, you're my new best friend."  The horse snorted at me but I sensed it was somewhat pleased.  I pat him on the neck.  I rode up to Glóin who turned to face me.  "How long 'til we reach Rivendell?"

"We'll be there today, if the weather stays nice."  As if on queue it began to pour.  Great, just what I needed.  The horse shook his flanks and I was sprayed by his mane.  "Well, it's not that bad and we are very close."  There was a popping sound.  "AHHH!" Glóin fell off of his horse as the dwarf in his pocket grew to normal size.  

"Ah!  That's much better!"  Flagodirt stretched but forgot he was standing on someone.  "Sorry there Glóin!  Thanks for carrying me this far."

"No problem, comrade of mine." Glóin rubbed his chest.  Flagodirt looked at me.  

"Get off the horse now lassie.  You get on the pony."  Oh no.  I jumped off the horse that then nuzzled me.  I shuttered as I approached the fat turd pony.  Did I see a flash of teeth?  It GRINNED at me like the sadistic nut it was!  Sarah looked down at me. 

"Aren't you going to mount it?"  She asked quietly.

"This is dangerous.  Don't you know what kind of pony it is?  The evil fat turd pony!"

"Just get on it.  I want to get to Rivendell and change back into… well… me."

"Right."  After the tall horse I thought the evil fat turd pony would be a piece of cake but, being an evil fat turd pony, it knew exactly how to shift and make me fall off.  Then it looked at me very hard, face muscles tensed and I expected only the worse.  "Nice horsy… good pony…."  Fat evil turd pony's face relaxed and I was able to mount.  Then the fat evil turd pony moved a little forward and sat, causing me to slide off… into a pile of steamy yuck.  I stood and screamed, rubbing myself against a nearby tree.  "THAT'S IT HORSE!  YOU'RE GOING TO FEEL MY WRATH!"  It continued to laugh at me until I slapped it very hard on the behind.  (A/N: it's an evil fat turd pony so any animal abuse that takes place in this story is okay.  And only the evil fat turd pony will endure any cruelty because it deserves it.)  

My best friend (the horse) came over and bit the evil fat turd pony on the ear.  I thanked the good horse and the evil fat turd pony finally let me mount it.  (I did so grumbling but the stinking twit of a beast didn't pull any other stunts.)  

I smelled the dung around me and the wet horses and dwarves (who liked to fart a lot.)  Sarah wouldn't ride very close to me any more because I smelled so dung-like.  It was, of course, all her fault that I smelled like this at all.  She was indirectly responsible for me riding the evil turd pony (that had now lived down to its name.)  And then the party stopped in front of a rather magnificent town.

"Welcome to Rivendell, lads!  And lass, of course."  Glóin opened his arms.  As the company sighed he tumbled off of his horse and whacked his head on a rock, knocking himself out despite the helmet.  The dwarves lifted him up and took him to Rivendell so that Elrond could revive him.


	4. Disgustingly Perfect RivendellDwellers

(A/N I apologize for having the dwarves ride horses, that was dumb of me.  Oh well, the evil fat turd pony must be in this story or I won't have it!  Thanks for all the great reviews, they are quite amusing.  I'd like to explain that I was once also obsessed with Legolas and liked him until my cousin recently came out of the closet and declared that he was smitten with the elf and actor.  It rather took the wind out of my sails.  You can't share a crush with a gay man, it's just not right.  Read on, chippers!  There is more fun yet to come, I love you all for reading this and want to marry everyone of you, in a metaphorical sense whatever that may be of course.)  

Chapter Four: Rivendell; Land of the Too Perfect Elves

"How did he faint?"  Elrond asked.

"He didn't faint, Lord Elrond, he took a powerful blow to the head by a large, gray rock."  Said Flagodirt, using his over-descriptive nature to my disadvantage.  A large, gray rock?  Jeez, why not just a humongous rock of a gray hue for technically gray isn't a color or something equally stupid?  Flagodirt had described non-stop about absolutely everything since we had entered Rivendell.  All the dwarves had, in fact.  They had spoken in dwarfish on the journey but here they spoke in "the common tongue" which happened (luckily) to be English.  Elrond agreed to take Glóin into his care, but he was very "busy with another client with more serious injuries and a more complicated burden."  Stuck up prick.  Frodo would make it.  

The elves were quiet and beautiful.  Elrond was the only one with brown hair but even in his thousands of years he managed to have sex appeal.  But of course, as all sexy people were, he was already married once (as Arwen reminds him frequently) and my chances with him were slim, especially since I was a human with now sex appeal.  Elrond had a bit of a curse when it came to attractive females and Arwen would slap him every time he began to "make the moves of Elrond madness" on them.  (So I read his diary….)

Sarah and I spent a lot of time trying to find Gandalf, who must've known how to solve this situation.  Elrond wouldn't let us into the infirmary to see Frodo.  It was probably suspicious that we didn't know him and I couldn't exactly say he was my brother considering he was half my height.

"I don't know Sarah, let's just blow this popsicle stand and shoot ourselves."

"NO!  I can't do that yet!  I haven't even met…" she lowered her voice drastically. "Legolas."

"Gimli, you are a pervert.  Anal… er… loving I hear is quite painful."

"Don't think of it that way, and I don't plan to carry out our love that far.  Maybe a bit of spooning and kissing but…."

"There you are, laddie!  Big feast tonight, big indeed!"  Glóin ran towards us.  He had been quick to heal and even quicker to stalk.  Sarah had difficulties escaping with me.  The dwarves seemed (at first) to think we were an item and got Glóin to "give the lovers their space" until I slapped Sarah for saying something about it.  Then they decided that perhaps we needed more "supervision."  Ah, my intricate love life on Middle Earth.

"Big feast?"  Sarah said, stupidly, sounding dumber still because of Gimli's dull voice.  

"That is right!  The ring bearer is here."  Glóin hushed his voice upon the words "ring bearer."

"Oh, you mean Frodo."  Sarah was just striking out on the smarts.  

"That is correct.  The halfling called Frodo shall be told of for many ages to come… and to think, he is old Bilbo's cousin.  Strange how they carry so few likenesses yet the same aptitude for adventure."

"So few likenesses?  But they both craved adventure… Frodo just was more or less stuck with it."  I said, suddenly feeling like we were discussing the book rather than living it beside a transvestite smitten with an elf named Legolas the Gay.  Then bells rang.  That was the signal for supper.  Sarah was whisked away by Glóin who felt that Gimli, his son, needed to be close to him.  I was left to walk through the disgustingly graceful elves.  They never tripped and they were never rude to me.  When I nearly bumped into them they would magically see me from behind their heads, turn around and catch me saying: "Close encounter, Bob."  Sarah gave me hell for the Bob incidents.

The elves managed not to touch each other as they swarmed into the dinner hall.  They were all pretty and handsome and it was very bothersome.  I felt ugly but somehow I knew that someone out there would say "Finally, there's a lass with a real sexy ass," because on Middle Earth they liked to rhyme a lot.  The elves had no butts whatsoever.  They were slender and never gained an ounce.  I was ushered into a seat by an elf who I had nearly bumped into before.  His name was something like Perfect Elf of Perfectness Who Is Good At Catching Bob.  Actually, it was Aureolus, which is close enough to the aforementioned.  Sarah was stuck at a table of all dwarves that sat next to some hobbits.  I wanted to meet the hobbits and Sarah wanted to talk to sexy elves.  Why did we have to switch?  I hated the elves because they never messed up, even as we ate and I managed to spill food all over myself like the graceful wench I am, they never even looked as though food had touched their lips.  

I tried to spill some juice on the elf next to me.

"Careful, Lady Dominique Shakira Thayet Alanna."  He caught my goblet with ease and handed it back to me.  When elves didn't know you they called you by your full name.  I had given up on telling strangers that my name was Bob and that they were welcome to call me that.  Besides, I liked to think that they suffered as they spewed out my ridiculous name. 

"Thanks."  I muttered.  It was no use.  They were too perfect at saving themselves.  I could spill all I wanted on me but they wouldn't make a move to help but when it came to them, their reflexes resembled lighting.  A sudden hush fell over the table.  Elrond and Arwen had risen and walked all gracefully to another room.  Everyone followed and somehow I managed to trip over a chair and bump into an elf… wait a minute… I HAD BUMPED INTO AN ELF!  YES, YES, YES, YES!!  He nearly fell into another elf but righted himself before this extraordinary event could take place.  The elf turned and helped me.  I thanked him with a bit of a tinkle in my voice.  I was that happy at having ruined the perfect cycle of things.

"Do you sing?"  He asked me as we walked along side one another.

"Only in choir."  I responded.

"You must sing for us."

"No."  I said firmly, hearing the beautiful (disgustingly beautiful) elfin voices that filled the room we sat in.  They all could play instruments perfectly, past perfectly, in a very elvish way.  It was pretty but I couldn't stand it all the same.  Sarah/Gimli sat miserably next to Glóin who talked animatedly to some of the other dwarves.  People sank into a stupor at the sound of the singing elves.  Finally, Aureolus (who had been singing a perfect solo) came over and declared that I was going to sing a song from my native land of Choir.

Sarah looked at me, aghast but amused.  She gave me the thumbs-up sign and I knew she just wanted to see me make a fool of myself.  Ooh, I longed to rip her beard right off of her face but I knew that was probably something that would make her happy.  Where's the camera when you need it?  I would pass pictures of the bearded Sarah around at school.

"I can't sing."  I explained.

"Everyone can sing."  Aureolus encouraged unencouragingly.

"Katie… er… Bob is very good at singing."  Said Gimli/Sarah. 

"Don't make me do this.  I don't know any songs."  There was rap but would they consider that music?  I doubted Eminem's: Cleaning out My Closet would make much sense to them.

"Yes you do!"  Sarah was egging me on.  

The next words that popped out of my mouth will mortify me until my dying day.

"Oh baby, baby how was I supposed to know, that something wasn't right yeah."  And I actually sang the entire "Hit Me Baby One More Time" by Brittany Spears.  I hated that song (nothing against Brittany but I had heard it too many times on the radio.)  The saddest things were the little dance motions I had added here and there.  

I was going to shoot myself.  I scrunched my eyes, unprepared for the looks of disgust I would soon see on the elves perfect faces.  But when no sound came I opened them.

They all gaped at me and Aureolus stood and applauded fervently.  Everyone joined in, except for Sarah, who held a hand over her Gimli chest gasping for air.  She was dying of laughter, the stupid bitch.  

"That was the most amazing human song I have ever heard."  Said an elf.

"It was quite good."  A small person stood close by.  "My name is Bilbo Baggins, Bob, if I may call you that."

"G-go ahead.  I think… I think I'm going to just leave now…."  

"Sing another Choir song!"  Someone shouted.

"Yes!  Sing another!"

"Sweet lord."  I moaned, putting a hand to my forehead.  Why did I have to be humiliated in a book that I had once enjoyed?  I looked over towards Sarah, but she was watching someone else.  Legolas had come in and started eying her immediately.  I was overcome with a wave of sickness, thinking of the bearded creature kissing such a (horrifyingly) perfect face.  Oh dear, this could be disgusting.  

"Come!  Shall you sing another?"  Aureolus asked, clapping his hand to my shoulder.

"I'd rather not…."

"Sing!"  Elrond commanded, pointing at me.  "As a favor to me, the only I shall ask.  One more song."

I sighed heavily.  What other choice did I have?  I didn't know many songs.  Blue, (Da Ba Dee Da Ba Da) by Eiffel 65 was one I enjoyed and I figured it would shut them up because it wasn't very song-like.  So I sang it quickly, revising the parts I didn't know.  Once again, my audience was stupefied.

"Oh come on, you great gits.  It wasn't that good!"  I said under my breath.  "I'm going to bed."  I declared and I marched out, tripping over Aureolus and knocking my head against a lute and passing out.  

(Another A/N: Sorry about the abrupt ending, it's just late so… school in the morning.  I'll try to get more stupid stuff in later.  Kisses and hugs.)  


	5. Elrond's Council

(A/N: Two spelling errors in the last one.  I'm sorry that I didn't correct them.  My computer is farting at me when I try so… I apologize for the other night's stupidity.  I'm really trying, honestly.  BTW, Katie [called Bob because she went into a sudden stupidity spree as her alter-ego, me, often does] is a human GIRL who luckily wasn't transformed into something hideous like Sarah was.  Haha Sarah, she is going to be so pissed off that I turned her into Gimli!!!!)

Chapter Five: Council of Elrond  

"Ugh."  I moaned and sat up in the infirmary.  Elrond was saying some elvish stuff and pouring liquid down my throat.  I coughed and pushed him away.  "What is that vile icky stuff?" 

"That is your medicine.  You put on quite the performance last night."

"I am better now."  Dizzy, yes, better enough to run away.  

"Good, for there is a council… er… something I must attend now.  Sleep and rest, Bob."  He patted my head and left.   After I was sure he was gone, I put my shoes on and followed him.  I wanted to go to the council; Sarah would need… my… spying talents.  In the books it had happened differently than the movie so I was eager to see which it would be.  Elves were all over the place.  I didn't want any to see me so I dodged from shadow to shadow until I finally found pillars that would hide me and allow me to watch the council unfold.  It looked like the one in the movie, but the book didn't really have pictures after all.

"I call you all today for a very serious reason."  Elrond explained.  "The One Ring is here."

"Oh my goodness gracious!"  Someone squeaked.

"Hush up boloney head."  Another person whispered.  The council continued.  I saw Frodo sitting next to Bilbo and… another hobbit?  Merry, Pippin, or Sam?  No, I could see Merry and Pippin, hiding behind other pillars next to mine.  They waved to me and I returned the favor. 

"It was brought by two brave hobbits and their three comrades who are not present at this meeting."  Merry and Pippin covered each other's mouths to refrain from laughing.  "Blubbo and his brother Frodo."  Sarah looked really worried.  She knew nothing of Blubbo, who as far as I knew didn't exist in the books but who knew?  Maybe JRR Tolkien's editor actually took something out after all.  After much babbling commenced they were finally ready to find out who would take the ring.  

A lot of arguing happened and suddenly Blubbo and Frodo stood at the same time.

"We will take the ring!  Though… we do not know the way."  Blubbo said.

"It is a dangerous path you are to take."  Elrond said.  "Do you know of what you speak?  What perils lie ahead?"

"Yes," said Frodo, "I actually don't want to go, but Blubbo will beat the hairy feet off of me if I do not.  What's worse, orcs or…."

"Shut up, Frodo, you're ruining an epic."  Blubbo hissed.  

"Sorry."  Frodo ground his toe into the stone.  

"I will travel with you, and make sure that Blubbo and Frodo get to Mount Doom safely."  Gandalf bowed all important-like.  GANDALF!  THE SOLVER OF OUR PROBLEMS!

Then Aragorn the sexy beast stood in front of them, getting onto one knee.

"If by my life or death I can protect… WHOA!"  Aragorn ducked as an arrow flew out of nowhere and hit Blubbo in the chest.   Blubbo looked down at the blood as he fell and died.

"There goes another Baggins."  Sighed Merry quietly.  "But he was a prick any how."

"Yes, wouldn't even let us drink any of his wine.  He liked the Sackville-Bagginses.  Invited them for tea."

"Hush up Pip, they're saying something."

"Anyway… I was talking to Frodo."  Aragorn looked at Frodo, suddenly turning pink with embarrassment.  "If by my life or death I can protect you, it shall be done."

"SORRY ABOUT THAT!"  Someone shouted from the roof.  "My arrow!  A bit windy!"

"Oh Aureolus, you need to be more careful!  But don't worry; it was just the fat one."

"Bilbo?!"  He shouted.  

"No, Blubbo."

"I am not fat!"  Wheezed Bilbo.  "I'm just big-boned."

"If you're big-boned than I'm a dwarf."  An elf said.

"You say that like it's a bad thing!"  Sarah said.  Apparently Legolas had made the comment.

"Shut up Sarah."  I whispered.  I knew she couldn't hear me but I wanted to strangle her.

"CONTINUING!"  Elrond shouted for silence.

"You have my bow!"  Legolas said, walking over to Frodo.

"Ooh!  This is my line!"  Sarah squeaked.  "And my ax!"  She picked it up and her eyes widened as she realized what she was holding.  "It's sharp!"  

"Yes, it was forged in the mines of Moria, you idiot lad."  Mumbled Flagodirt.

"I suppose if you are to travel, you have Rohan and myself at your side."  Boromir came up. 

"Then with this group…."  Elrond was cut off.

"Wait!  Mr. Frodo isn't going anywhere without me!"  Sam, a pudgy little hobbit, ran up to Frodo's side.  They exchanged a more than friendly glance.  _No shocks there.  Is the whole Fellowship gay?_

"Apparently not!  You can't even leave his side when he is summoned to a secret meeting and you are not!"

"We're going to!"  Merry and Pippin ran down to join the gathering crowd of travelers.  "After all," said Pippin, "you need people who can think on this sort of… quest… mission… thing." 

"That cuts you out Pip!"  Said Merry.

Elrond looked horrified at their sudden appearance.

"Nine men, I see…."  Elrond said.  Sarah was flushed with excitement and fear.  Then I realized that I wasn't just watching a movie.

"Okay, all right, I see what this group needs!"  I came down and everyone gawked.

"Who else is behind the pillars?"  Someone asked.

"Sauron."  I mumbled.  There was a collective gasp.  "I'm just joking!  I'm the last of the pillar-spies.  Anyway, this group needs a bit of feminine… wisdom…."

"And her marvelous songs of Choir!"  Bilbo said.  He started humming to Hit Me Baby One More Time!  Oh jeez.

"Father!  You said that women couldn't go!"  Arwen poked her head from behind a tree.

"ARWEN!  I thought I told you to STAY IN YOUR ROOM YOUNG LADY!"  Elrond stood, red in the face.

"But Daddy…."

"No buts about it!  Bob can go because she came with Gimli anyway."  

"Fine!  I'm not talking to you ever again!"  And she stormed off.  "Aragorn!  Meet me in my room."

"Of course, sweet thang."  (A/N yes, thang, not thing, recognize that I knew what I wrote.)  "Er… my lady…."  Elrond gave a look that was going to kill Aragorn soon.

"Ten people.  We shall have to call this the Fellowship of the Ring, but… there is a female, causing problems…."

"Oh, Bob doesn't count as a girl."  Sarah said helpfully.  "I mean, she's no more a girl than I am."

"Shut up Gimli.  I don't care if it's called Fellowship.  In my native lands of Choir fellow is used to talk about… friends."  LIAR!  

"All right!  Perfect!  You shall set out tomorrow at dawn!"  


	6. Damnable Coldness

Chapter Six: COLD DAMMIT!

My only real companions on the journey were Merry and Pippin who seemed to think that I was just as uninformed as they were.  So what if I hid behind the pillars with them?  None the less, I appreciated having people to talk to.  Sarah was so wrapped up in her role as Gimli (firstly, Legolas's lover) that she rarely paid attention to me.  Stupid wench. 

We had traveled for a long time, too long and too cold.  Half the time I slept without a blanket because Merry or Pippin had played a prank on me.  Ungrateful little pips, they did pay, in blankets.  

"Give it here Bob!  Play fair!"  Pippin tugged at the blanket as the sky darkened. 

"Haha, no."  I tugged and he fell forward to the ground.

"You are a cruel tall person.  I wish death upon you."

"Be quiet!  At the rate you three are squealing we will all die!"  Gandalf scolded.  Fictional characters, bah.  

"How would you two gentlemen like to learn swordplay?"  Borromir asked, crouching down.

"Not really, but okay."  Merry agreed.  They took their small swords out and I was forced to sit alone on a rock while Aragorn watched Merry, Borromir and Pippin, Legolas bounced all over the place looking around and Sarah-Gimli watched his butt.  Gandalf puffed his pipe while smiling.  Frodo and Sam talked very close.  Romantic, eh?  I had nothing to do but stare into space.

"Some place this is."  I mumbled.

"What is that?"  Asked Frodo, pointing at a big black cloud.  Of course, I knew it wasn't a cloud but soon Gimli… oh no, Sarah would know too, considering she had watched the movie so many times.  Legolas bounded over to look at it.  Sarah wasn't happy that he had run away because that made it harder for her to gaze at his bum.

"Eh, it's just a fast moving cloud."  She said, completely forgetting what it really was.

"It is moving against the wind."  Said Gandalf.

"Oh come off it you idiots."  I said.  "You can even see their wings; clearly they are birds of some sort, maybe even bats."

"You have good eyes."  Legolas commented.  Gimli shot me a sour look.

"Runs in the family."  Actually, I wore contact lenses, but not on Middle Earth.  My vision was better here even without the contacts.  Muah hahaha, the power.

"SPIES!"  Gandalf caught on.  "Hide!  All of you!"  Everyone ducked except me and Sarah because we were slow-witted.  Legolas grabbed Sarah by the beard and pulled her down and Gandalf muttered something and I collapsed into a hole.  Lucky me.  It was a pity Aragorn hadn't done that.  The sexy beast.

"CAW, CAW, CAW!"  The evil-crow spies cried.  Then they were gone.  There was much babble about going up a mountain because of the spies and finally Aragorn said: "Where is Bob?"

"Down here, you great lugs."  

"Sorry about that."  Gandalf puffed his pipe.  I was filled with hatred for the old fart.  He had deliberately done that.      

"You sure are."  I muttered as Aragorn pulled me up.  _Hey_ Aragorn pulled me up!  But he smelled bad, as did I.  I suddenly felt no sexual impulses towards him.  

"We must not tarry!"  And Gandalf started running, quickly for an old man.  How I loathed him.

"Wait for me!"  Puffed Sarah.  Haha, slow poke Sarah.  I ran with Merry and Pippin who were whacking me with their swords saying "hurry up Bob!  Hurry, hurry, hurry!  Haha!"

"The Misty Mountains!"  Gandalf announced a few days later.  We had hardly slept at all and nobody was in a good mood.  Even Legolas was downcast.  "Here we go then!"  We all sank immediately upon entering the five-foot-deep snow.  Legolas, on the other hand, was able to walk on top of it.  Elves.  Gr.  It was very cold.  In fact my hands began to turn purple and because I was the skinniest person walking in the snow I was also the coldest.  Sarah told me (as we trudged along) something very unpleasant.

"You know, my boobs are bigger as Gimli than they were as Sarah.  Nice for warmth."

"Thank you."

"A little friend in my pants wants to say hello!"

"Very little."

"Kate, that doesn't offend me you see, for you know who I am."

"Kate?"  Pippin asked, coming up beside me.

"It's my more informal name; it means 'cutie with a booty' in the land of Choir."

"Or 'lass with a fat ass.'"  Sarah changed it.

"No."

"Yes.  Infinity."  She quickly added.  

"Fine."  

"Can I call you Kate?"  Merry and Pippin chimed.

"Sure."

"If it's worth anything I think you have a very nice ass."  Said Pippin.

"It's not, but I will allow it."  Then Merry spanked me before running ahead to the more shallow snow.  "You bloody…."  He ran across the top before sinking down again and Frodo tripped so only I noticed.  

"The Ring!"  Frodo cried.

Borromir picked it up.  Jeepers creepers, I hadn't paid much attention to it because it was just a gold ring after all.

"To think that all this pain and suffering could be caused by so small a thing."  Everyone stared in fear at the human.  Soon Aragorn would go all "give the ring to Frodo" but I wasn't in the mood for waiting.

"Shut up and give him the darned ring."  I commanded.  "We have traveling to do.  We'll get up to the top, and avalanche will fall on us due to Sauroman and we'll decide to go to Moria and I'm not very happy about all these changes so move your tush or I'll move it for you!"  I was sure no one understood a word of what I had said except for Gandalf who was giving me a calculating look.

"Sorry."  Borromir whispered and handed Frodo the ring, who snatched it away, snarling.  

"You, chill out.  It's not his fault."  I said to Frodo.  He suddenly blushed and looked down.  "Let's go."  We got further before hearing Merry cry out for us to stop.  "Merry, fell into the snow."  I shrugged and went to pull him out.  Just then the avalanche fell and covered us all.  It was like taking an ice-cold bath and I knew I was going to die.  A pair of strong hands grasped me and pulled me out.  Legolas was bouncing around helping people.  "COLD!"  I cried out as I took in my first breath.

"Snow is like that, young Bob."

"Kate."  Pippin corrected.

"Kate now?"  Aragorn continued.  "Kate of Choir?  Hm, sounds vaguely familiar."

Oh dear.  But I was still cold.  

"Where shall we go?"  Gandalf asked as everyone discussed the possibilities.  Wind screamed around us.  

"Mines of Moria would be safer!"  Said Aragorn.

"Yes!  That sounds good!"  Said Sarah-Gimli.

"It's dangerous down there!"  But my cries were not heard as Aragorn said: "Leave it to Frodo."

"Let's go into the mines!"

"YAY!"  Sarah whooped.  She bumped into Legolas, who blushed suddenly.  Yuck, yuck… oh dear God, no more….  We rushed down the mountain and I embraced the warmth of the not so mountainy area.  Aragorn looked at me, as I was chattering my teeth.

"So, Kate, how old are you?"

"Fifteen, well, fourteen going on fifteen but whatever."  

"You're like a baby!"  Said Pippin.  Merry was still frozen solid and couldn't find words to ridicule me with.  Take that spanker boy.

"Shut up Shorty."  I snapped.  Aragorn was _this _close to falling for me, I knew it!  But his Arwen-necklace fell out of his shirt and he remembered suddenly that he had a lover in a sexy body.  My boobs weren't even fully developed yet.  Days turned into nights (because that's what happens as time goes by, clever, no?) and we were finally at the gates of Moria.  

Gandalf went to the gate and looked over it.

"What does it say?"  Asked Sam.

"Speak friend and enter."  Said Gandalf.

"So say friend in that language and we'll get in."  I commanded.  

"What?"  Everyone stared at me.

"Oh, fine, make me do it.  Morlock."  I thought I had pronounced it all wrong but the gates swung open just as Pippin fell into the lake.  No!  That hadn't happened in the story!  

"RARR!"  The evil squid thing roared and grabbed Pippin and Frodo the dimwitted loser who always gaped stupidly in these situations.

"Shoot it Legolas!"  I cried.  Legolas was a step ahead of me and shooting it.  Aragorn ran forward and grabbed Frodo and with Merry's help we saved Pippin, who apparently couldn't swim.  We fled into the mines and I smelled the smell of smelly dead people.  

"It's a grave!"  Cried Gandalf, lighting his staff.

"Oh well, let's just creep on in."  Sarah-Gimli said.  I waited for her to catch up to me.

"Remember, when we find your dead cousin-guy, you're sad, cry your little brains out."

"Men don't have brains, we're all balls."  She winked at me and I whacked her upside the head.  "Ow!  Just because I have a helmet…."

"Shush!"  Gandalf turned to us and glowered.  And into the mines we went.  It was all spooky and Gandalf kept saying "let us hope we pass through here unnoticed" and "whew, I can barely remember this place."  

One day (many days later) I caught him alone as he sat to smell the air and everyone else took a break.

"Gandalf, I need to talk to you."  I took a seat beside him and lowered my voice.

"Apparently," he said, "or you wouldn't be talking to me."

"Right.  Anyway, I'm not who you think I am."

"And who do I think you are?"

"Kate-Bob or Dominique Shakira Thayet Alanna of Choir, but choir is not a place."  I whispered quickly.

"I thought so!  I mean, very interesting, very, very interesting."  He stroked his beard.  "Why did you need to tell me this?"  I looked over his shoulder and found Sarah and Legolas deep in conversation, lust in their eyes.  

"Sarah… rather Gimli, isn't really Gimli.  In fact, the real Gimli could be anywhere but Sarah, that's my friend, took Gimli's body without permission." 

"Why did he do this?"

"She."  I corrected.  "Because she was in love with Legolas who apparently is in love with Gimli."

"They are good friends."  Gandalf nodded.

"No, no, you loony old man."  I shook my head.  "They want to make mad love to one another, do the dirty, get naked, chili down, have sex; must I make it plainer?"

"Whoa!"  He put his hands up.  "Then where are you two from?"

"Earth, not Middle Earth just Earth."  

"What?  It exists?  The land of the gods?"

"Muah hahaha, yes."  I AM A GOD!  "But I am a lesser god and we were bamboozled by another lesser god.  We need your help."

"I will try, but perhaps you were sent by the Great God Tolkien to assist this quest!"

"Don't tell the others, okay?"  OR I SHALL UNLEASH MY GODLY POWER UPON YOU!

"Gandalf!"  Frodo came scuttling up to talk to Gandalf, who simply nodded at me before talking to Frodo.  I went down to tell Sarah the good news.  But she ignored me and talked to Legolas.  Aragorn talked to me some thinking I was just lonely.  Stupid man.  Well, sexy stupid man, but definitely stupid.

"Ah!  This is the way!  The air is less foul this way."  So basically we went to the little place where Gimli's dead cousin-dude lay.  I stepped on her foot and she screamed and everyone was satisfied.  Then I remembered that Pippin was going to make goblins and orcs attack us.  

"Don't touch that Pip."  I said as he eyed the skeleton.  Gandalf looked at me from underneath his busy eyebrows that stretched to Nantucket. 

"Why not?"

"Because, it's gross."  Pippin grinned evil and poked it as Gandalf began to read the stuff.

"Oops."  It fell into the well.  CLANG CLUNK and yes, the orcs came up.  The battle scene: me quivering in a corner with my hands over my head.

"OY!  I HAVE AN AX!"  Said Sarah, whacking away.  "Do you think Legolas will be impressed?"  She asked me as I cowered in a corner.  Merry and Pippin seemed to think I deserved a guard of honor.  Until they screamed and fled in terror as goblins started trying to get to me.

"HEHEHEHE!"  Evil.  I stood up and they roared at me.

"AHHHH!"  I screamed really loudly at them and they flinched.  I thought I had scared them all away, and so did Merry and Pippin, that was until I saw….

"CAVE TROLL!"  Aragorn squealed.  Then he made his voice dropped an octave.  "I mean, flee in terror!"  The goblins ran because the cave troll didn't know the difference between the fellowship and goblins.  I thought we were dead for sure.  Merry and Pippin grabbed my hands and pulled me behind a large pillar.  Ah, yet another pillar.

(A/N I think I've supplied enough for now.  I'll come back to this later.  Sorry it wasn't that good but I'm trying to stuff it all in. R/R and R some more.  Muah hahaha)         


	7. Out of the Frying Pan

Chapter Seven: Out of the Frying Pan and Into the Fire (basically we're still toast)

"Sic him!"  Pippin shouted at Aragorn, who was trying to stab the troll with a humongous stick.  As in the movie, the troll fell forward and hit the gaping idiot named Frodo.  Rewind for a minute: Everyone fought the troll, Legolas shot it a zillion times, Sarah/Gimli tried to impress the elf with her lame axing tactics and everyone screamed a lot.  

"AIIIIIEEE!"  Frodo squealed as he fell to the floor in a dead faint.

"NOOO!  MASTER FRODO SIR!"  Sam's cries were drowned out by the troll's wails of pain.  Then it died.  I felt kind of bad for it, dying and all, but oh well.  Everyone rushed over to the fallen Frodo who sat up saying that he was all right.

"That could have skewed a wild boar!  You should be dead!"  Aragorn said.

"Be grateful he's not, man."  I clapped Aragorn's shoulder.  "Besides, he's wearing armor under his shirt."

"How did you know?"  Frodo unbuttoned his shirt and every gasped at the metal and ooh-ed at it.

"I'm psychic."  I mumbled.  "It was just obvious okay?  Let's get moving!"  So we all ran out of the room and (we were literally running, by the way) ended up in a vast chamber with many pillars.  

"EE! EE! EE!"  Goblins swarmed the ceiling.  

"Oh jeez."  I moaned.  We stopped as the vast herd of goblins surrounded us.  Sarah gripped my elbow and I shrugged her off.  "Remember the movie."  I muttered to her.  "How can you not, after all you saw it five thousand times for Mr. Hot over there."

"RARR!"  Here came the Balrog.  "RARR!"  So the goblins fled.

"What is it?"  Legolas asked Gandalf.  I wanted a head start at running because I knew I would fall if I saw the Balrog crashing behind us.

"A BALROG!"  Sarah and I shouted together.  We were already running for dear life.  

"How did-…"

"Move it Aragorn!"  I shouted over my shoulder.  Boromir caught up to us and nearly fell off of a sheer drop.  Legolas came up behind me, crashed into me and I grabbed Boromir as Legolas grabbed me and we all fell down.

"The bridge is close!"  Gandalf said pointing far away.

"You are so full of shit!"  I said in a panic.  "That thing is waaaay over there!  What are you talking about man?"

"Take a chill pill Kate."  Gimli said.  "We'll make it all right."  

"EE!  EE!  EE!"  More goblins shot arrows at us as we ran down another ledge.  Narrow!  Narrow!  Spooky!  AHHHHHHH!  An arrow grazed my head and Legolas shot a few goblins (never missing.)  (Stinkin' elf.)(Maybe not in this case.)  Then we came to the great gap between the two rocks.  How wonderful.  Legolas jumped first.  I wanted to jump next before it started chipping away but no, Boromir and then Merry, Gandalf, Pippin, Sam, Sarah (saying "nobody throws a dwarf, but what the hell…." She jumped by herself, trying to impress the elf, I know it.)  I was left with Aragorn and Frodo.  Stuff fell.  SHIT SHIT SHIT!  I was going to do that in my pants soon….  I ran and jumped before more rock could break away.  Legolas caught me and his hands lingered on my basoomas… was he bisexual or just experimenting? 

Ew.

"Come on!"  I shouted.  CRACK!  More rock gone.  "Just wait then."  I said.  It began to rock from side to side, back and forth, diagonally and, oh it gave me the shivers, imagining that I was still there. 

"LEAN FORWARD FRODO!"

"What?"

"YOU IDIOT!  JUST LEAN FORWARD!"  Aragorn's eyes were popping.  He looked quite mad, but I would be going insane too in his position.

"Oh…."  The rock came crashing at us.  When Frodo and Aragorn had hopped off we all ran some more.  Then we came to a very, very narrow bridge but I ran anyway.  The Balrog would be coming anytime now.  Gandalf waited for it, but he was slightly closer to us than he was in the movie, most likely because I had us running earlier.

"YOU SHALL NOT PASS!"  The fiery bull stared at Gandalf wondering (probably) why such a puny little old guy would be a problem and why the hell he was standing there all brave like.  "GO BACK TO THE SHADOWS!" 

"Break!"  Went the rocks as the Balrog tumbled into the deep.  Gandalf started walking back towards us.  I would've shouted for him to run but I knew that since he fell he turned into Gandalf the White and became more powerful.  The whip of the fiery Balrog guy lashed up, catching him around the legs.  He clasped to the edge.

"GANDALF!"  Shouted Frodo.  

"You are not going to risk our lives again, little man."  Aragorn hissed, holding onto the hobbit tightly.

"FLY YOU FOOLS!"  And Gandalf fell.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"  Shouted Frodo for a very long time.  Suddenly there was no sound and sad music started playing as everyone screamed silently running to the outside.  The hobbits fell to the ground, sobbing, silently with the pretty music playing in the background.  I felt so bad for them, and I was sure that the music was hoodwinking my brain.  

I crouched with Merry and Pippin and they sobbed and sobbed and sobbed until I thought I was going to go insane.  The music faded and Aragorn said: "Get them up, Legolas."

"Give them a moment!  For pity's sake!"  Boromir countered.

"By nightfall these mountains will be swarming with orcs, we must make haste."

"Come on, Pip, Merry."  I stood with them, feeling bad that they thought Gandalf was dead.  Frodo was walking away all alone.  I wanted to slap him and tell him how stupid he was being.  If they would just give the ring to me I would take it to Earth and pitch it into some well.

"OH NO!"  I shouted.  And then I started crying.  

"It's okay Kate, it's… it's…."  Merry started sobbing all over again.  

"Kate, what is it?"  Sarah asked in an undertone.

"Gandalf…."

"He's not really dead."  She murmured.  "Even if they did play the dead guy music."

"No, no, I already told him who we are and he said he would help but… but…."

"What?"

"We have to wait until the next book to go home!"

"Oh, oh well!"  Sarah said brightly, as we all left the mountains.

"Don't you understand how much danger we're in?!?!"

"Not really."  She admitted.  "I thought it was pretty bad back there but…."

"It gets worse."

"It… it does?"

"You have to fight orcs all alone, the big ugly ones that you saw at the end of the movie."

"NO!"

"Yes, but I don't because I'm not a real character."  Then I realized something.  "Galadriel!  She can help us!"     

"Oh!  Yay!"  Sarah jumped for joy.  Then we all started running again because we were in a big grassy field that was meant for running.  After all this running I'd want a big siesta to tide me over.  That would make me smile.  Then we got into the forest.  I noticed Sarah breathing really loudly.  When I asked her why she suddenly froze, there was an arrow pointing at my head.

"This dwarf was breathing so loudly that we could've shot him in the dark."

"Oh."  I said.  She had memorized the lines, after all.

"This forest is perilous!  I suggest we leave!"  Yes, Sarah really did know what she was talking about.

"Mimble poot shplarf yenta nata!"  Said Aragorn in elvish.

"The Lady of the Forest is expecting you."  Muah hahaha!  Soon we would be free!  I resisted doing a victory jig.  We walked through the forest for what seemed like ages because an arrow was pointed at my head.  "Move it she-human."

"Yeah, yeah, that's what I'm doing, he-elf."  I grumbled.  POINT!  IN MY HEAD!  OUCH!

"Don't talk back to me."  He hissed.

"Okay!  Okay!  Point taken!"  (A/N: Yes, that was a lame joke.)  We continued until we got to that place where Galadriel lived.  It was beautiful.  Lights went all up the trees and the houses seemed to be a part of the nature.  It was all very delightful until we got to the stairs, which we huffed and puffed up for what must've been a half hour.  _One hundred eighty six thousand and one….  Then we stood in front of more stairs.  I moaned and began to walk forward but my elf grabbed my shoulder and held me there.  _

Two people descended slowly and evilly.  Well, just slowly but I wasn't happy.

"When you set out there were n- rather ten and now there are only eight- rather nine.  Something's wrong G dog."  The man said to Galadriel.  G dog?  What the boloney?

"Oh!"  Her eyes widened dramatically as she talked to everyone in their head.  "You are all weary from sorrow and need rest."  In _my head she said:_

_Kate… Kate… from the planet of the gods… not so godly though, are you?  But that is okay for you are still powerful.  You wish to return to your planet…. This I cannot help you with, only Gandalf can and he won't be back for awhile… even longer for YOU!  Evil music started and stopped abruptly and I knew more suffering was to come._

BUM BUM BUM **BUM!!!!     **

(AN: Kinda short, I know but I promise to write more as soon as I can!)


	8. The Mirror, Dead Kings, and Whisked Away

(A/N: I DON'T OWN LOTR CHARACTERS OR THE STORY.  If I did, it'd be a lot different and a lot more dangerous.  Tolkien came back from the dead to threaten a lawsuit on me!  OH DEAR!  I said that I didn't have a lawyer, dead or alive, then he admitted that he didn't either and went back to the dead.  Haha… oops….)

 Chapter Eight: The Mirror, Dead Kings, and Whisking Me Away L 

"I think it's roman- I mean, pretty here."  Sarah said, making the moves on Legolas again.  He looked at her, fluttering his eyelashes slowly.  And her beard twitched into what was a smile of sorts.  She had taken her helmet off and her full poof of hair came into view.  It was definitely worse than the regular hair that she had on Earth.  Sarah said "I will never complain about my hair after this."

"Gimli… I was wondering if… maybe you'd like to share my tent with me tonight?"  He asked, blushing.  Aragorn was off sitting with Boromir talking about kingly things.  Frodo and Sam were sitting together (touching each other) while Pippin and Merry were off doing hobbit stuff.  I sat alone, again, watching it all.

"Oh!  Well…sure!"  Sarah giggled slightly.  

I felt nauseated.  Nothing against gay guys but when you know that one is a girl pretending to be a gay man… it's just all wrong folks.  Don't try this in front of me unless you would like Scent De Barf on you.  Legolas broke into a fantastic, heart-melting smile.  _He's gay._  I reminded myself, looking away.  The only lad I wanted to get jiggy with was Aragorn and maybe some Boromir.  He was a potentially sexy beast and I wanted him in my sleeping bag.  There was music as we all went off to bed.  Galadriel had nicely let me take my first bath in days, weeks, centuries.   Blessed wench!  Everyone had bathed and Aragorn… whew, did he turn me on like a faucet.  With Boromir sitting next to him I just wanted to "AIIIIEEE!!  GET YO' PANTS OFF AND COUCHEZ AVEC MOI CE SOIR!"  I would revert to French to frighten them of course.  To the lay French taker or non-French taker that means "sleep with me tonight" thus the immortal classic: "voulez vous (do you want to) couchez avec moi?  CE SOIR! OIII!"  Ah, brings a tear to my eye.

I was forced to sleep in the same tent as Boromir and Aragorn (what a pity… muah hahaha) "since we were all humans."  Gimli would've had his/her own tent as would Legolas… if they weren't horny gay men that is.  I got to witness the "first kiss!"  It looked very scratchy and wet.  I wanted to cry, it was so disgusting.  Sarah was left looking stupefied and joyous.  Not a good mixture for her.

I think Aragorn and Boromir were drunk and this would explain the following events.

"So, *hic* Kate… sing a *hic* song from your land of *hic* Choir…."  Boromir slurred.  

"Isn't it a little late?"

"Naw.  Bedtime song lassie!"  Aragorn hiccuped too.

"Voulez vous couchez avec moi!  Ce SOIR!" 

"Oh!  You speak the *hic* language of *hic* the dragons!"  Aragorn noted.

"Uh-oh… only a little."

"That's a song frooom where yer frooom?"  Boromir garbled.

"Oui monsieur."  _Yes sir, pronounced wee monseur!  Weird, isn't it?_

"Mademoiselle, j'aime ton corps, c'est delicieux!"  Meaning: I love your body, it's delicious. 

I just gaped and nothing came out of my mouth.  Aragorn passed out onto his pallet but Boromir gave me my first kiss from a drunken weirdo.  I regret to say that it was still lovely, coming from that sexy of a beast.  Of course, he passed out relatively soon as well.  Alas!  No sexy-sex for Katie Bob!  I wondered if I could get pregnant on this planet… and would it affect Earth Kate?  I refused to risk it… at the moment.  

I dozed off for awhile before hearing Frodo's padding feet.  I decided to get up and follow him and watch the mirror of Galadriel.  That is, if she'd let me.  Dammit, she would.

Or would she?

Agh!  I was going schitzo-ish!  

I pattered down the stairs behind Frodo who was already gawking at the elf-wench, but I think he was still sleepy.  Then he gawked at me for a moment, probably thinking: why is Bob ruining my scene!!??

I wondered the same.

"Will you look into the mirror?"  Galadriel asked, filling up the pitcher, looking at both of us.

"What will I see?"  Frodo asked all suspiciously.

"Bad stuff."  I mumbled.

"Only the wise can tell…."  And she went off into her speech.

"Can I look first before the eye jumps out and scares the baloney out of him?"

"Um… all right…."  Galadriel looked shaken, not stirred.  (Muah hahaha)  So she stood back and watched me.  I wondered what I would see so I looked.

What I saw touched, stirred and tortured me.

"Chocolate!  Chocolate milk!  I NEED THIS!"  I gasped.  Then I realized how badly I truly needed to return to Earth.  

"My turn."  Said Frodo, pushing me out of the way.  Stupid runt.  His big blue eyes got really wide as he looked and he gasped as his little ring thing came out of his shirt and neared the water.

"I know what you saw."  Galadriel and I said at the same time.

"Jinx."  I mumbled.

"For it haunts my dreams too!"  Galadriel said, ignoring the jinx.  Then she started thought-speaking to Frodo so I missed out on the rest of the conversation on her side.  Frodo opened his hand which contained the RING!

"I will not deny that my heart has longed for this…."  Yatta, we all know what happens next.  The whole speech thing about becoming powerful and stuff.  "I have passed the test!"

"Great, good, let's go."  I clapped my hands together, ready for some more sleep (assuming I could fall asleep and HOPEFULLY dream of chocolate yumminess.)

"Kate… I HAVE PASSED THE TEST!!  I'M BLOODY HAPPY BUT TRYING TO LOOK COMPOSED!!  GIVE ME SOME BACK UP DAMMIT!"

"AHHHH!  Okay!  Okay!  Wow Galadriel!  You're totally cool!  You are my hero!"

"Hush child, such words are not necessary."  In my head she said _THAT'__S B__ETTER! "Rest up you two, tomorrow you shall have a long journey ahead of you.  Don't lose hope."  She caressed our faces before fleeing (gracefully)(damn elf wench) off to bed.  Frodo and I gaped at each other for a moment.  Truthfully I was half-yawning, he was just disturbed.  _

"What did you see?"  He asked me.

"Chocolate."

"Oh."  His brow furrowed.  "How do you know what I saw?"

"Um… I just guessed it was the eye of Sauron."

 "Wow.  I also saw you being forced to sing a song that you didn't like with burning shoes on your feet."

"Ouch."

"And Gimli… was dressed in a… pink two-pieced thing."

"Bikini?"

"What?"

"Never mind.  That's mad disturbing."  I told him.

"Yes… it is driving me mad."

"Don't worry kiddo, it'll be okay."  I patted his head.  Curly.  

"Thanks Kate."  Then we went to bed.

"Kate!  Kate!"

"Mph, what?"  I mumbled.

"Get up!  Lazy bones!  It's time to go!"  Boromir and Aragorn both looked disgruntled this morning.  Hang-overs, I kid you not.  Galadriel gave us food and I ate it because that's what you do with food in the morning.  She gave everyone cool fighting stuff but she gave me….

"It is the Rubber of Whoopy."

"WHAT?!"  I gasped taking the condom in hand.

"It is said that it is good protection."  Galadriel, what a dummy.

"Um… thanks, I think."

"And take this."  She gave me a sword.  YES!  FIGHTING UTENSIL!  

"Thank you!"  I sighed with relief.

"You're welcome.  God speed."  We all loaded into boats.  I was in a boat with Merry and Boromir.  Gimli went with Legolas and Sam (boat of gay love) and Aragorn went with Pippin and Frodo.  Since Boromir had to row he commanded that I sing.  What did I sing?  I sang Vertical Horizon's "Everything You Want" because it's wonderfully simplistic for my puny mind to handle.

"Ah!  Long have I wished to gaze upon the great kings!"  Aragorn muttered as we came up to two huge statues with their hands facing outward.  I snorted suddenly and Aragorn squinted at me.  One of the kings had two red circles around his man-boobs (which he definitely had.)

"Are they dead?"  I asked, trying not to dig my hell-hole deeper.

"Yes, but their spirits live on."

"Great."  I mumbled.  Legolas looked to the shore we were pulling up on with a worried face.  ORCS!  AHHHH!  NO, NO, NO, NO, NO!  Boromir helped me and Merry out of the boat and looked around at all the fallen statue things.  I always wondered where fallen statue things had come from.  Aragorn and Legolas whispered in elvish.  Nope, can't translate it I'm afraid.  

(A/N BUT I CAN!  They were talking about fears of what was on the shore, and Legolas mentioned Gimli's butt in an undertone and Aragorn said that he was nauseated at such a thought and Legolas blushed [in elvish, of course])

 "Where's Frodo?"  Aragorn asked suddenly.

"I'll go get some wood."  Boromir said.  Oh dear, there goes my Boromir lad.  I had thrown the condom into the water anyway.  There was no need to be tempted.  

"Come Kate!  Let us take a nap on your blanket."

"Haha!  How about I skin you and take a nap on that?"  I suggested, running my thumb along my sword.  "CONFOUND IT THAT HURT!"  I started sucking on my cut.  

"Sh!"  Legolas whispered to me.  "Do you hear that?"

"You're breathing?"  I asked.  Gimli/Sarah shot a vicious look at me.  She mouthed: "Shut up or you die!"  

"ORCS!  Gimli!  Grab your ax!  We must help Aragorn!"  Legolas was off in a flash and, more or less to impress the blond-babe, Sarah ran with ax in hand, panting "WAIT FOR ME!!"  

"Uh oh!  I must find Master Frodo!"  Sam whined.  

"Go look!"  I encouraged, apparently without need for Sam ran off in search of his partner for life.

"Kate!"  Merry and Pippin grabbed my arms and dragged me underneath a log.  

"Ow!"  I bumped my head.

"Shush!  This is no time to be a girlie girl!"  Pippin giggled.

"It's a wonder I put up with you."  I mumbled.

"You put up with me?"  Pippin batted his eyes at me.  "Give me a kiss!"

"You're half my size, that would be weird."

"That's why you're sitting!"  Merry said enthusiastically.

"Was this all a trap to get my pants off?"

"Yes."  The two hobbits said in unison.  Then the scary roaring noises began.

"FIND THE HALFLINGS!"  Then I realized something dreadful.  I wasn't a hobbit and they would kill me because of it.

"There's Frodo!"  Merry pointed excitedly as Frodo panted against a tree.  

"Come on Frodo!  Over here!"  Pippin waved wildly.  Frodo just shook his head.  "What is he doing?"

"He's going!"  Merry gawked.  

"Good luck."  I mumbled to Frodo, who nodded his thanks.  

"You've got to help!"  Merry said to me.

"What?"

"We've gotta distract the orcs!"  Pippin urged.  Then he left our hiding spot, pulling me with him.  I was caught in the drama of the moment.  "Hey!  Over here!"

"Pea brains!  Come and get us!"  Merry echoed.

"We've got the ring!"  I shouted.  The orcs chased us.

"It's working!  It's working!"  Pippin cried.

"Pip, I know it's working.  Keep running!"  Merry shouted as orcs closed in.

_Fwing!  Boromir!  No!  I would have to watch him die!  _

"RUN!"  He urged.  I tried to comply but found I was paralyzed in fear.

Fifteen thousand three hundred and eighty six arrows later….

"I'm so sorry!"  Boromir fell and I hid my face.  Then I felt my body being lifted.  

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"  Merry, Pippin and I screamed together.  I was thrown over a vile creature's shoulder and *bounce, bounce* went its shoulder into my bladder.  Warm was the pee that ran down my leg into the orc's chest.  Boromir watched us go. 

"Boromir!  You did good!"  I cried out.

"I did well!  Not good!"  Boromir corrected before falling onto his back.  Stupid Boromir.  And I sobbed and sobbed and sobbed and sobbed and sobbed and…. 

"My God you are a smelly creature."  I said to the orc as it put me down.

"Gr."  It growled at me.

"Ever hear of soap?  It works wonders."  I winked at the creature.

"That's not a halfling!"  Shouted an orc.

"KILL IT AND WE'LL EAT IT!"  Recommended a goblin.

"How do you know I'm not a halfling?  I am, after all, half elf half hobbit."  That was lame, but might explain away my middle height.  "Besides, I've got the ring."  

"No, I do!"  Pippin argued.

"Nuhn uh!  I've got it!"  Merry shouted.

"Me!"  I said.

"No, me!"  Merry.

"ME!"  Pippin.  

"ENOUGH!"  An orc stood.  "You will all be taken to see Sauroman!  That would be easiest!"

"Aw, can't we just…."  A goblin was slapped.  Our arms were tied and we were forced to travel piggy-back for days on orc back.  I gagged as I smelled, on one occasion tasted, their fliggy hair.  (Fliggy is old English for clumpy, isn't that delightful?  Not in this instance.)

Bounce, bounce, bounce.  Pippin dropped a button one day.  The next I did.  The third Merry did and I wondered what Sarah was up to.

"I SMELL MAN FLESH!"

"I smell orc fart!"  I mouthed to Pippin.  We had all been shown what terror was by these ferocious captors of ours and I wasn't exactly eager to be scared again.  Pippin nodded and broke off another button as our captors ran more rapidly.  We made camp on a big clearing.  Soon we would be attacked by men.  Hopefully I would get away with Merry and Pippin.

"Let's just eat one of the small ones."  A goblin urged.  "Sauroman will never…."

"ARGH!"  An orc cut the goblin's head off.  "Here's your dinner lads!"  The creatures ate the dead goblin.  How disgusting.  Merry, Pippin and I were all stiff and clumped fearfully together when suddenly….

"HAAA!"  Horses galloped over and started killing orcs.  Merry and Pippin rolled away and I tried to follow but I was bigger and more noticeable than they were.  I nearly managed to stand but a horse (relative to the Evil Fat Turd Pony, I'm sure) knocked me down again.  After all the orcs and goblins had been killed I had tried to stand the total (yes I counted) of thirty seven times.  A sharp something was pressed to my throat.  I swallowed.

"Hi?"  I tried.

"She is not an orc!"  Someone said.  "And her hands are tied."

"Perhaps an accomplice?"

"Oh come on!  Honestly!  Would they tie an accomplice's hands?"  Sword!  Pushed closer to throat!  Damn!  Scary!  AHHH!  

"Could be their plan."  A human said.

"Orcs aren't that smart."                   

"You seem to know them well."  Another stated.

"Travel on their backs for about a week and you'll know them too."  I retorted.  "Look, just untie my hands and I won't bug you."

"Let's take her with us, just to make sure."  Said a man.

"Good plan, that way she can't get more orcs and if she is as she claims she won't be recaptured."

"Ugh!"

**Whisked away**….

(AN:  More later… hope a decent idea blossoms!  Sorry it goes fast but I have a lot to cover and who honestly wants a novel online?  This is just a spritz.  I want to dart about the site, Garth Nix needs to be ridiculed, after all, I _aime his books.  _C'est delicieux!_)  _


	9. Alas!

Special thanks: Dancing Leopard and Surfer Girl, you give me something to look forward to on here, o diligent reviewer!  I'd have backed out a long time ago if not for you.  MERCI BEAUCOUPS! (Thanks a lot)

                          Sarah, I knew you wanted to do bad things with Legolas and I didn't know how badly… scary.  You push me more than anyone else.  I fear you'll have to imagine that steamy sex scene, I don't have the stomach to write it (and you're the only one with balls to read it… hahaha.)

                          LuAnn, you know who this was originally for, considering you pledged war against my gay cousin for trying to take your lad.  I side with you now because he recently pissed me off.  Hey ho!  Shocker for YOUR system, eh?  Let's keep working with Luigi and Cinderonka!

Thanks: To everyone who reviewed.

Boring thanks: To me, for always being there even when I didn't want me there.  You are annoying and I wish only death upon you but I love you anyway.  Yes, we are schizophrenic.  *Gollum*  

Chapter Nine: Alas!  Alas!  I love the word Alas….

I rode behind a man with a helmet on.  CLUNK went my skull against the metal.  

"Ow!"  Said I.  Alas, what a state I am in.  I had been riding behind different men for almost two days now.  Let me tell you, while the orcs were not more pleasant in scent at least they… hey, this was better after all.  These men bathed on occasion (according to someone) and they fed me better food.  They treated me like one would treat a potential bomb.  I would just throw the bomb and ride away fearfully, but no!  

"Piffle!  Your turn to carry this lass."  The men stopped and I was resituated around another man.  Whew!  Talk about body odor!  I couldn't move backwards or forwards because my arms were still tied.  The sun beat down on my back as the men continued to move in their great thundering heard of heardyness.  _Thumpathumpathumpa went the horse.  _Ung, ung, ung._  Went the me.  I started drifting off into dream world which would cater to my chocolate needs.  _

"RIDE FASTER!  There is an odd company ahead!"  Said the leader dude.  _Snore._  I just turned my head for a more comfortable position but the sun beat my eyes.  SUNGLASSES!  All hostages should be provided with SUNGLASSES DAMMIT!  Piffle… well, he piffled.  It made me go "Ugh!"  And try to hold my breath.  

The men that I rode with circled something or another but I was too lazy to look, thinking _more orcs to kill, eh?  Maybe goblins._

"A man, an elf and a dwarf, what strange company is this?"  Leader dude.

"Huh?"  I sat up suddenly and saw…. "SARAH!  Er… GIMLI!  ARAGORN!  LEGOLAS THE FRUITY!"  Of course, I didn't actually say the fruity but I was very much tempted to, just to get a reaction.  Never, I repeat, never try reactions when you're looking to be saved.

"Kate!"  Said Aragorn.

"You!"  Said Gimli Sarah person, my decided ex-best friend.

"Aha!  Where are Merry and Pippin?"  Asked Legolas.

"They ran into the forest when these men killed the orcs."

"We killed everyone but her."  Snarled Piffle.

"And Merry and Pippin."  I reassured.

"No!"  Piffle disagreed with vehemence.

"Can we take Kate back?"  Aragorn asked.

"Yes!"  Piffle began to lift my arms over his head.  

"What is she worth to you?"  Asked leader dude.  STUPID LEADER DUDE!

"A lot more to us than she is worth to you."

"Not just a sore neck?"  Piffle lowered me to the ground.  I wanted to bite him.  Aragorn cut off my bonds and I flicked Piffle off, though he never knew what that meant.  

"I am sorry that we may have killed Pippin and Merry, take two horses, if it is enough."  Leader dude provided steeds.  Legolas bowed in thanks and I saluted them as they rode off.

Sarah rode behind Legolas and I rode on Aragorn's lap because I very much refused to sit behind someone again.  Ever.  Poor me, having to sit on a sexy lad's lap.  Sigh….

"There!  A pile of dead orcs!"  Said Aragorn.  He jumped off the horse and went to search through the bloody remnants.  

"As I said before, they're in the bloody forest."  I pointed.

"She is right, Aragorn!  See these prints…?"  Legolas and Aragorn followed Pippin and Merry's invisible tracks.  I rolled my eyes and just waltzed in.  

"Glad to see me again Sarah?"  I snarled.

"I was having a peachy time without you."  She sniffed.  

"Two hot guys, I guess that is pretty peachy."

"You were right about one thing Kate."  She looked down as we walked together.  Her beard went past her stomach with this action.  "Anal loving is quite painful."

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"  Screamed I.  "TMI!  TMI times freaking two thousand!"  (TMI: To much information.)

"Just kidding!"  Sarah laughed.  "We didn't get that far."  Gimli/Sarah cleared her throat.

"My heart… it's going that fast… why did you have to give me such a BAD visual?  My dreams will be haunted for eternity."

"Sucks to be you."  Sarah grinned.

"At least I don't have a beard."

"It keeps me warm."

"Sh!"  Legolas put an arm out to stop us.  "Do you…?"  LIGHT!  

"YAY!"  I whooped.  Here came Gandalf!

"Sauroman!"  Aragorn and Legolas chimed, flinging weapons like mad chipmunks.

"No you dumb bums!"  I said.  "It's Gandalf the no longer gray!"

"Indeed!  I am Gandalf the White!"  WHOOSH went the music in the background.  Convenient, no? 

"Send us back now!"  I whispered urgently.

"I have come to you at the turn of the tide with good news.  First, I must talk to Gimli in private.  Kate, hold on."  Gandalf took Sarah further into the forest.  I turned to Aragorn and Legolas.

"I'm going home soon.  I wish you luck with the whole ring business.  Before I go… Aragorn… I won't be seeing you in person ever again.  Can I…."  Have a kiss is what I wanted to say before I had to go back to watching him on screen.

But Aragorn took care of this.  And he wasn't drunk.  Haha!  The bigger shock:  Legolas blushed and did the same.

"We've always liked your butt."  He said.  

"I thought… I thought you were…."

"I'm… a both sort of elf…."  

Aragorn gaped.  "That's why you and Gimli…."  I hoped the real Gimli was gay too.

"Here's Gimli!  Safe and sound!"  The real Gimli returned by Gandalf, looking a bit dazed.  "Kate!  Come now!  I will send you home!"  He lifted his staff and….

THUD!  

I landed hard on the living room carpet.  The light had returned and… YES!  I WAS AT SARAH'S HOUSE!

And there was Sarah!  She touched her body, checking and then hugged herself.

"I will never obsess over Legolas again!"  (AN: Yeah, I'll just keep dreaming.)

"Wow!  We're back!"  

"Yes!  Yes we are!  Kissing Legolas made up my mind.  I can't be a gay man, besides, there are real guys out there who are straight."

"I got to kiss Legolas, Aragorn, and Boromir!"  I boasted.

"Haha!  You kissed Legolas?!"

"He's bi." 

"NO! Then why couldn't I be a friggin GIRL?"  Sarah pulled at her hair.  "Hey!  It's my old hair!  Yay!"

"Do you still have those chocolate bars in the fridge?"  

"Hell yes!"  We raided the house of all chocolate possessions.  

_Burp._

"Girls!  We're home!"

"Hello Mr. and Mrs. Smith!"

"Having a good time?"  Asked Mrs. Smith.

"Oh yes."  Responded Sarah.

"We brought home a movie!"

"Not Lord of the Rings Two?"  I asked in worry.

"No!  Sarah said she wanted to see Harry Potter."

"Oh!  Good!  That's a great movie!"  I told Sarah.  She nodded and we grabbed some more chocolate before beginning the film.  Luckily, she didn't think Harry Potter was that hot, and she didn't even kid about Dudley.  When Mr. and Mrs. Smith announced they were going down the road to visit someone we agreed without a care in the world.  And then….

"OMG!  Is that Oliver Wood?!?!?!?!"  Sarah was amazed.  "He is so GORGEOUS!!"

"Please Sarah…."

"I wish…."

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

But it was too late.

                                                                          THE END… or is it? *scary music*               


End file.
